Dear Uncle Jay:

Can you explain why the States of Michigan and Florida screwed up their primaries and lost out on their votes ON PURPOSE?

Dear Ann:  They didn’t expect this to happen.  For some reason, they figured that if they broke the rules and did something really selfish and destructive, with no regard for others, that in America they would somehow be portrayed as victims, and get away with it.  How they got this crazy notion is anybody’s guess.  By the way, they got away with it.

Dear Uncle Jay:

Everybody’s wondering how long Katie Couric will stay on CBS as the news anchor.  What I don’t get is, why does anybody even bother with dinnertime TV news?  I know it made sense a long time ago, but now we can get news anytime we want from a zillion places.  Who watches the evening news anymore?

Dear Sam: When you’re older, you’ll understand what they call “being set in your ways.”  Many people have spent every day of their lives waiting until 6:30 so they can catch up on world events in 22 minutes, plus 8 minutes catching up on the drugs that may be right for them.  They know perfectly well that there’s an internet for lots more reporting and opinion, and cable TV news for lots more shouting and missing young women, but they’re comfortable with what they know.  Someday, when your children are laughing at you because you still play videogames with a controller instead of a brain implant, you’ll understand.

Dear Uncle Jay:

My friend says that electing a president from our two parties is like choosing between barfing and crashing a skateboard.  What does he mean?

Dear Ricky: This reminds me of something that women talked about in the 1970’s, something about a fish and a bicycle.  But if those are the only choices your friend has, tell him to go for the barfing. You can clean that up, and there are no broken bones.

Dear Uncle Jay:

Do people in America understand what that colourful abstract artwork is that you stand in front of every week?

Dear Mark:  You have insulted Uncle Jay and all Americans with your assumption that we are all stupid and ignorant about geography (geography is the study of where the countries of the world are).  

The world map that I sit in front of every week (not “stand,” so there!) is displayed in most American classrooms, plus it’s shown in all the Indiana Jones movies, including probably the new one.  Some of us who don’t live in those states in the middle of the country might not be able to name them all, because our country is HUGE compared to yours and there’s more to remember.  So go ahead and feel smug with your colourfuul Brituish sarcuastic humouur.